Feeling unhappy? It all boils down to this 1 reason.
Let’s start on a positive note.
What makes us happy?
Friends? Family? Fun times? Lovely Holidays? Good Food? Healthy Kids? Dream Job? Big House?
Yes to all of the above. So then why do people who seem to have all of that still feel unhappy? Maybe you have a great job but you work an hour more than you’d like. Or you have a great home but it is too much work to keep it tidy. It other words, things aren’t working out to be the way you want them to be. You have different expectations of your situation. This ties into so many aspects that cause us to be unhappy or unfulfilled. Let’s name a few common sources of unhappiness.
Worry —E.g. Expectation that you should get an A on the test and might get a B instead.
Comparing to others — E.g. Expectation that you should have a big house like your neighbour does.
Holding a grudge — E.g. Expectation that your friend should have treated you differently.
It all ties to our EXPECTATIONS!
A quick google search of the word gives me the following definition:
ex·pec·ta·tion /ˌekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/ noun
a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. e.g. “reality had not lived up to expectations”
a belief that someone will or should achieve something. e.g. “students had high expectations for their future”
Read the definitions carefully. All the reasons for our discontentment can be gleaned right from the definitions of this word, which I will delve into below.
From my personal experience, there are 3 reasons why having expectations reduces the joy of living.
1. They take you away from NOW.
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.” ― Eckhart Tolle
Think about this quote for a second. We are not happy because we think something of our current situation, it isn’t the current situation itself. It lies in how we perceive the present moment.
The problem with expectations is in its very definition, it relies on the future of something that will or should happen. It takes you away from the present moment, right now, which is not good or bad but just is.
In this quote by Eckhart Tolle, the thoughts we experience are our expectations of the present moment. For example, if we go to a movie with amazing reviews and end up not liking it, it is most often because of our expectations. We believe a 5 star rating means it should make us feel a certain way and if we are underwhelmed, then we are unhappy. Ever gone to a movie with no reviews and actually ended up enjoying it so much even though it may not be that good? Chances are it’s because you had no expectations going in, which allowed you to just live in the moment.
Expectations remove us from the present because we have some preconceived notion of how something should be based on our past experiences or some hope of how it will turn out in the future. We cannot embrace the moment just as it is.
2. They often rely on the actions or words of others and things beyond our control.
Let’s come back to the definition for a second. Something will happen or Someone will do something.
By design you are not independent and setting yourself up for failure because you have no way of predicting how someone will act. For example, you are sick and in bed and your boyfriend is out for the night with his friends. You expect him to stop by and bring you some dinner and check on you to see if you’re alright. For him, this night was planned long ago, the venue is far away and dropping by is inconvenient. He gives you a quick call instead to tell you he loves you and that he’ll be over tomorrow with some chicken soup. Nice? Sure. Meets your expectations? Nope. Are you happy? Nope. In his mind, he’s doing his best to give you care but it does not meet your expectations. There is a fundamental expectation gap.
Whenever you expect anything from others, appreciation or anything else, you are not being independent, and this is bound to bring you down. You must say, “I don’t expect anything from others, but whatever I need to do, I will keep on doing it.” — Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
When it comes to expectations of your own self, you are then expecting something to happen. That something is a result, which cannot be guaranteed. The focus is on the outcome not the learning or progress. If you want to run a marathon in 4 hours and derive happiness from this expectation, even if you put in all the training and improve over many months, a 4 hour 20 minute marathon will not make you feel happy because it fell short of your expectations. When really, your progress should be celebrated.
3. They are based on your beliefs not known facts.
Beliefs are a truth that we have confidence in. They are neither right nor wrong. They are formed over years through our upbringing, environment, culture, personality etc. The fact that expectations lie on these beliefs makes them susceptible to be flawed. No two people have the same beliefs and so naturally someone else will not necessarily live up to your version of expectations. Their expectations of themselves are based on different beliefs.
The fact that expectations are based on your own personal beliefs will mean there will always be an expectation gap between you and someone else.
I’ll leave you with some of my favourite quotes about letting go of expectations so that you too can practice a happier life that is more present, independent and free.
“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”
― Bruce Lee“To wish was to hope, and to hope was to expect”
― Jane Austen“If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed.”
― Sylvia Plath“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”
― Donald Miller
